Stan: You'd better go over our story again so we don't screw it up. Principal Victoria: Will you people stop barging into my office, please? Josh: What's the matter, Principal Victoria? Was your mother abusive? Did she spank your thighs with cold cuts and stick umbrellas up your ass? Josh: Did he stink like beer when he came home from work, all tired from playing down at the pool house? Officer Barbrady: All right, all right! My dad dressed me up like a little girl on poker nights and made me sit on all my uncles' laps! Josh. Josh: Your uncle who hit you with a belt, was he a large man? Officer Barbrady: I don't have time for this, kid. Guard: Josh, were you doing the silly voice for the policeman again? Josh: No sir. Who were you protecting yourself from, Officer Barbrady? Officer Barbrady: Alright! Alright! My uncle Charles used to hit me with a belt! When you went to the academy you had something to prove-you wanted to protect and serve but mostly you just wanted to protect yourself. Stan: Cartman, what're you doing? Cartman: I'm getting rid of our problem. Kyle: You want to kill me, fine! I can't live like this anymore! Go ahead! Do it! Cartman: Won't be long now, Kyle. Kyle: Cartman! Cartman: Don't fight it, Kyle, it'll only take longer. Unfortunately, I could only afford a Wiffle bat so this may take a while. Kyle: Ow! What the hell are you doing, Cartman? Cartman: I'm killing you. Kyle: You TP'd a house last week, Cartman? Cartman: No, last Thursday night was Fajitas night. Grocery Clerk: Toilet paper, toilet paper. Toilet Paper Grocery Clerk: You know, son, I remember you coming in last week and buying this much toilet paper. if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now. Joozian 2: Oh God, we did suck each others's wagons! Krazy Kripples Jimmy: Look! My gang, which I can't talk about because it's super secret, is the most important thing to me now! And if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the nigga on your left. Joozian 1: Oh man, I can't believe I sucked your wagon. Stan: Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong. Joozian 2: You've made it to a hundred episodes, you should be proud! Joozian 1: Yeah, a show should never go past a hundred episodes, or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously stupid plot lines and settings. Najix: Well, you don't think the whole universe works the way Earth does, do you? No! One species, one planet! There's a planet of deer, a planet of Asians, and so on! We put them all together on Earth and the whole universe tunes in to watch the fun! Stan: You alright? Cartman: You know that feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass? NO, I'M NOT ALRIGHT! Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid cream. Chef: Well, doctor? Proctologist: I've never quite seen this before. You know that feeling when you take a huge dump? Awesome. Stan: You mean, at one point in this guy's life, he decided he wanted to work up people's butt holes? Chef: That's right! Kyle: What a dick! Check it out! Ready, Ike? Kick the baby! Ike: Don't kick the goddamn baby! Kyle: Kick the baby! Ĭhef: He's a doctor who specializes in your hole, children. Cartman: Yeah, go home, you little dildo! Kyle: Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo! Cartman: Alright, go home, you little semen-puking asshole dick head. Kyle: No Ike, you can't come to school with me. It's sad to leave out some of the other classic minor characters, like Sheila and Sharon, but that is testament to how funny all the characters are on the show.Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny: School Days, School Days, Teachers Golden Rule Da- Kyle: Aw, damn it! Stan: What? Kyle: My god damn brother is trying to follow me to school again! Ike: Suck my balls. Would the world be a better place without him? Yep. Yeah, he's really offensive, like the show is sometimes, but he's so funny when he is, the offensiveness isn't met with defensiveness, it's met with laughs. Cartman, more than anyone else, represents the best and the worst that South Park is. But there aren't enough to describe how funny the character is either. There aren't enough words in the English language to describe just how terrible of a person he is. He's a disgusting bully that too often gets away with his terrible behavior and the world loves to hate him for it. No one likes him, yet he's in the middle of everything. And because of all of that, Cartman the best character on South Park.
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